9 Helpful Holiday Reminders For Those Who Have A Difficult Relationship With Your Parents
Family systems have a way of pulling you back into old roles - despite your best intentions
Do you ever feel like you’re 8 years old again the moment your parent is around?
Maybe you instantly feel all the old feelings you used to have when you were a child - you know the ones: alone, unseen, overwhelmed, misunderstood, helpless, like you don’t belong - maybe all of the above.
Or maybe you find yourself slipping right back into the old role you’ve always played in your family, like the:
Caretaker, always overextending yourself to make sure others are happy
Scapegoat, constantly being seen as the problem and being the brunt of the family’s lame jokes
Lost Child, never wanting to speak up and share what you really think for fear of drawing unwanted attention to yourself
Whatever the feelings or roles that come up for you, they can feel almost impossible to resist. And next thing you know, you’re super annoyed by a longstanding joke your sister made, or you’re again walking on eggshells around your dad while trying to avoid the invasive questions your mom fires at you from across the dinner table.
In addition, your own healing journey can enable you to recognize it as unhealthy. This awareness can make it even more challenging to be around, and - understandably - drive you to want to make some changes in your family.
If this is you, I want you to know that while this can be incredibly frustrating and stressful, it is completely NORMAL to experience!
Family systems are powerful forces (I know, understatement of the year, right here)!
They’re like a gravitational force pulling you right back to this uncomfortable - oftentimes painful and confusing - place despite your best intentions (and years of progress in therapy)!
Why does this happen?
It happens because of these two words: Familiarity and Predictability.
Family systems - especially dysfunctional ones - are familiar and predictable.
And there is ALWAYS some level of comfort in the familiar and predictable.
This makes a family system both weirdly strong AND resistant to change, even if change would be beneficial for everyone involved!
However, this doesn’t mean you’re doomed to fall back into your old role or be continually disappointed at the lack of awareness and change every time you’re around your family.
↓ Here are 9 Helpful Holiday Reminders to help you navigate difficult family relationships with confidence and peace ↓
9 Helpful Holiday Reminders For Those Who Have A Difficult Relationship With Their Parents
You can’t choose your family but you CAN choose IF, HOW, WHEN, and WHERE you interact with them
You’re no longer a child who is completely dependent upon your parent/s. You have agency and can control more variables now.
You’re not responsible for your parents’ emotions. Even if you grew up believing you are, it’s not true, nor was it ever supposed to be your job. Give yourself permission to no longer play this role.
You’re worth having boundaries. Boundaries create safety and foster authentic connection, and belong in ALL relationships, especially family relationships. (Think of boundaries as ways to say “YES” to yourself and what you want/need, versus saying “no” to others).
“I don’t want to” is reason enough to opt out of or adjust plans. You don’t need a ‘better’ reason and you don’t owe anyone an explanation. (And “No” is a complete sentence)!
This holiday is just another day, meaning the parent you’ll see at Christmas dinner is the same parent you see any other day of the year. Expect and plan ahead of time for this.
The dysfunction in your family is NOT your fault. This didn’t start with you. I also know you’re actively working to make sure it ends with you.
No big resolution or changes in your family will be made this holiday. So this is not the time to unpack the years of hurt you experienced or get your parents to change.
This is YOUR holiday, too. (Read that again). You ALSO deserve to enjoy this holiday and feel happy, at peace, loved, and cared for during this time.
“So many adult children have been programmed to believe that they have to earn love through overextending
themselves and not being true to who you are.”
Conclusion
Growing up with Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) not only increases your chances of having a difficult relationship with your parents as a child.
It also increases the chances of having a strained relationship with them when you’re an adult.
Naturally, this can make the holidays even more stressful than they already are! Entering into these gatherings with these 9 reminders in your head can help you feel empowered and resist the gravitational pull back to the old painful feelings and family roles so that you can have a more peaceful and enjoyable holiday season.
Which of the 9 reminders is most helpful for you?
Support Group for Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents
Want to join a small group of adults who also have a difficult relationship with their parents and want to feel more calm and in control in this difficult and draining relationship? This online group is for you!
Get the support you need to feel less alone along with the information + tools to feel prepared - not pressured - to confidently navigate this relationship without sacrificing more of your sleep, sanity, or self.
Group starts July 7, 2026 and runs for 8 weeks.
About the Author
Katie Egge, LMFT is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and founder of Connect Therapy MN. She specializes in helping adults heal from childhood emotional neglect and emotionally immature parents through virtual therapy, coaching, and Support Groups. Using Internal Family Systems (IFS), Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), and attachment-based approaches, Katie helps clients break free from survival patterns, build healthier relationships, and reconnect with themselves.
Learn more about Katie → About Katie
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Not sure where to start? BOOK A FREE CONSULT and Katie can help you determine the best path forward. You don’t have to figure this out alone.
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